those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
