My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
