after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
