You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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