Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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