honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
