I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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