before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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