I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
