I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
