wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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