dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
