So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
