FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
