Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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