I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
