Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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