After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
