just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
