Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Who wears a wallet chain?!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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