as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
