Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Randomize
