Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
