If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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