Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
