I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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