I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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