Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
