you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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