Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
