so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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