My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
