I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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