Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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