Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
