oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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