as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
