One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
