I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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