I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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