white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
