I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
you made out with another girl for some wings
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
