Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
