I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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