Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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