Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
