Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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