Im at strip club and am horny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
