So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
