Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
